The death of a loved one can be a devastating event for some people, resulting in a profound sense of grief and loss that lasts for a while. As a counsellor, I hear their stories of heartache, shock, guilt and anger. But after some time when people are given the opportunity to air out these thoughts and feelings, the stories start to include fonder memories.
Hearing stories of struggle can be challenging, but it is a privilege. Some of the most meaningful work that I do is talking to people who have lost a loved one- usually a spouse, parent, sibling, friend, and sometimes, a child.
Death and living with the ache and loss of losing someone dear to your heart… this will happen to everyone, no exceptions. And if you are witnessing someone deal with grief- that’s a tough job too. In hearing many people’s grief stories, I hope that what I have learned will help you in some way.
Everyone handles grief and loss differently
The death of a person will have a different impact and meaning for each of the people they leave behind. Being in the same family does not mean that you all had the same kind of relationship with that person, or that you will all grieve in the same way.
When my grandfather died, my Mom, her sisters and brother got together that evening. I remember walking into my auntie’s house and saw all kinds of different reactions. My mom was in tears and very quiet. One aunt took on the role of planner and was figuring out when they could all travel back home to see my grandmother. Another aunt was cooking, and another was telling stories and joking.
Making judgments like “I can’t believe she didn’t cry at the service,” or “How can he go to work at a time like this?” are not helpful. Assumptions ignore the fact that there is no “correct” way to grieve, especially because not all bonds are loving. Grief can become complicated if the relationship was distant, conflictual or abusive.
Supporting Someone through Grief and Loss
So what would be helpful? Tell the grieving person that you are here to listen… and mean it. Look them in the eye, ask “How are you doing?” and be quiet. Do not offer old adages such as “It was their time to go” or even “They’re in heaven now watching over all of us”. Although these offers of comforting words have good intentions, they can minimize any feelings the mourner is experiencing right now.
I have heard many people tell me that after the loss, they feel numb, angry, or guilty. Then when they hear these kinds of statements, it can make them more upset. I think it’s because their hurt feelings are brushed aside and it is implied that they should focus on something else when they are simply not ready to.
It’s more supportive to take the mourner’s lead and not say anything. A pat on the arm is a better offer than unsolicited advice or opinion. Be available to them whenever they need caring and support., emotionally or by taking care of their practical needs.
Also, if you are the one in grief and need help, ask for it. People usually want to help but just don’t know how.
Grief and loss impact people in emotional, mental, physical, social and spiritual ways
Emotionally, a person can feel intense emotions like despair, anger, guilt, fear and shame.
Mentally, they can be easily distracted and unable to focus on everyday tasks. Also, it is common for the mourner to feel exhausted and lack motivation.
Common physical symptoms can include body aches, difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite and fatigue.
Social relationships can be affected as family and friends struggle to understand and support a grieving person. Sometimes a mourner may cope by withdrawing and wanting to be alone.
Spiritually, beliefs might be shaken. And sometimes they are strengthened. Questioning, seeking, and even feeling angry with God are common reactions… especially because it can feel like they are alone or have been abandoned. But trust that these reactions also draw us into relationship with God.
Deep emotions, even anger, can make an abstract or distant relationship with God much more real and personal. If we find ourselves demanding “Where are you God?“, we are really longing for comfort, love and reassurance.
So… how do you deal with the ache of grief and loss?
Well that’s the million dollar question. What’s tough is that there is no magic wand solution for how to move forward without someone’s physical presence. But here are pearls of wisdom that I have learned from listening to people that are grieving:
- Be open to the pain of grief, for at least a little while. Let yourself feel the sadness because there is no way to get around pain. You must go through it. Distracting yourself from memories or feelings can be exhausting and is unhealthy in the long run… especially if you drink, do drugs, or drown yourself in work. Find someone to talk to, go through photos, or journal. Many find support groups to be helpful.
- You will find that grief feelings will catch you by surprise. They will come out of no where, triggered by something ordinary, like a song or seeing someone who looks similar. Sometimes a memory or reminder of something they enjoyed (or despised!) will trigger tears and feeling overwhelmed.
- Change and adjustment will happen. It will feel like a consistent heavy ache at first, and then will shift. Laughter and joy will return, mixed in with the waves of despair. This emotional roller coaster will go on for a while. But over time, things will feel less intense and the grief waves will be less frequent. There is no such thing as a time when you “should be over it”.
- Honour the bond you have with your loved one. The relationship and love for them still continues on. Give yourself permission to remember.
- Find a creative, meaningful way to express yourself. Some people write letters, make a scrapbook, sing a special song, or tell stories to others. Others find it helpful to create a memory box where they fill a special container with notes or items that remind them of their loved one. This can be especially helpful for children.
- And finally, understand that you cannot fix grief. It is not something to be cured. It is emotionally painful. Find comfort in the fact that things will not always feel this intense.
- Getting into a routine helps. Wake up at the same time every day, even if you don’t want to. Eat small meals. Find stress outlets, especially ones that get you to live in the moment. For example, deep breathing, meditation and prayer can help. So can painting, doing a puzzle or exercising.
Finding Hope
Jesus the Way to the Father (John 14:1-3)
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. 2 In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also.
Finding comfort during times of darkness can seem impossible, especially if we rely on our own devices. But that is where faith in Christ the Lord comes in… He who takes us up into his loving arms, consoling us in our suffering and leading us home.
I have heard many stories from people who have recently lost someone they love, when the pain is so intensely raw and cutting that they find it hard to function. Over time, the stories grow richer and they often turn into ones of hope… for example, when they see an eagle unexpectedly, suddenly feel a loving presence in the room, or hear a song start to play at just the right moment.
And that is where the privilege lies for me. These testimonials of lasting love bring tears to my own eyes. This work is life-giving to me and steels my faith in an after-life with Christ that is beyond human understanding or measure.
The intense ache that hurts you now will likely continue for some time. But again, that pain will shift and change. Pain will ebb and flow just like the ocean tides, at times feeling overwhelming and almost too much to bear, and at other times be so still and calm, that you feel at peace and a smile comes to your face.
Consider that perhaps the ache is not meant to completely go away. Because to stop feeling would be to stop living, to stop journeying, and to withdraw from relationship with God.
At the end of the day, we would never want to stop remembering the person that we miss so dearly anyway.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Matthew 5:4